that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
