Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize