I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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