i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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