Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
