I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
