She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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