I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
