you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
