i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
