My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
