All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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