There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize