I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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