Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
