This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
