Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
