Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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