vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
