I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
everyone is single if you try hard enough
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
