On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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