I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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