and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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