Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
