Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She bit a glass in half.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
