My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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