I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He better not be in your backpack
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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