So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just cut my nipple shaving
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize