but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
