I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
