as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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