We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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