I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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