Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
