well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
