I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
