Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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