Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
