I want to make a zoo with you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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