i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
