I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
