What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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