matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
