HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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