Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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