this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
