i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
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