her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
