you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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