She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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