i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
