just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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