I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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