We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
