Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
