its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
