Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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