i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
