I didn't shave. On purpose
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
