rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
