When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
