Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
