Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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