Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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