I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
