do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
