You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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