I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
