My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
