what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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