it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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