Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We have started to decorate penises.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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