anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize