idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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